Trusting the foolish heart

I had a big chat with X a few nights back. He was telling me about his new girlfriend and asking me how things were with me and Special. In the middle of laughing about the funny little things that these two persons do to make us smile he confronted me with a serious question: Is Special as keen on me as I am on him?

After thinking and giving him the wrong answer (“I guess so”) I eventually said yes, he is, just to get out of the situation that would haunt me for the rest of the week. Is he really that interested in me? Am I the only one he thinks when he sits down for a cup of coffee on his break? Is there anyone else who makes him smile the same way, and for the same reason as I do?

How does one know when to trust your heart to someone else’s hands? When things seems to be going great and you receive affectionate messages from him every hour of the day, there could still be someone else on hold and waiting for their daily message. Even when he holds you so tight you can barely breathe, he could still be casual about the whole relationship and keep his options open. Where does the line of over daring and risk worth taking go?

Puzzled by these thoughts I took some distance to see where I was going. I didn’t respond to his text messages as affectionately as I usually did and turned down a few invitations he made. Finally, I had to confront him as the two of us had been invited to mutual friend’s leaving party in a local pub. At the party, he came straight to me and put his arm around me. As the venue was fairly small he whispered to my ear asking if everything was ok between us and I just replied yes. For the rest of the night I tried my best to keep him at a reasonable distance away and eventually managed to escape out for a cigarette.

As I was inhaling my calming delight a very drunken guy came over and started to talk to me. I wasn’t too interested in getting into a conversation with him but he was persistent, and annoyed by my coolness proceeded to put his arm around my shoulder. As I was about to tell him where to stick his hand, I heard Special’s voice asking the guy to take his hands off his girlfriend.

After the guy had left, he came over asking if I was ok and if we could talk. He told me he had noticed that I had been acting strange and distant for the past few days. I don’t know if it was the salty wind, my imagination or something else but as he asked me if I was sick of him, his eyes turned just slightly wet.

On that moment I decided that the line had been crossed and the risk was worth taking. As I brushed my hands against his cheeks and told him of course I wasn’t, I knew it was the right thing to do.

Later on that night while were lying down on his bed, he kissed my neck and as if he had finally realised what I needed to hear he said: “I can’t think of anything or anyone else but you all the time baby.”