Mixed feelings

After a week of silence (a text here and there) I met Special as we were heading to a house party. He was his usual self: listening to my silly ramble, smiling and keeping his mouth shut. His behaviour always makes me feel as if I was a stupid little girl and I keep talking and talking to fill the space of uncertainty.

He held my hand as we walked towards the house but there was something that wasn't right. I started the never-ending worrying about his true feelings. He was so close yet so far away.

We had a great time and ended up going to a night club afterwards. Against his usual habits, he got very drunk and as you do, became slightly more affectionate. He told me he was trying to play it cool not to come across as too pushy. He told me he missed me. He asked me to live with him again. I said no.

What was different, he actually started to talk about the things that worry him. I was amazed for a moment until the conversation turned into something else again. I can't even remember what it was about, but basically he was going on about how good he is at this and that. I don't know why but that really put me off. Where was that kind, modest and sweet guy who I got to know and like?

He fell asleep but I was up long after that. Is this really what I want? Am I putting myself down because of him? Was last night just drunk talk or is this what I'm up against? Will I ever see him awake like this worrying about my feelings towards him or am I purely a straight-forward, insignificant thing he sees every so often?

The next morning he was back to his kind but cool self. I texted him later on and haven't heard from him since. I've decided to leave it and let him do his own thing. I'm still not ready to trust my heart into his hands.

Trusting the foolish heart

I had a big chat with X a few nights back. He was telling me about his new girlfriend and asking me how things were with me and Special. In the middle of laughing about the funny little things that these two persons do to make us smile he confronted me with a serious question: Is Special as keen on me as I am on him?

After thinking and giving him the wrong answer (“I guess so”) I eventually said yes, he is, just to get out of the situation that would haunt me for the rest of the week. Is he really that interested in me? Am I the only one he thinks when he sits down for a cup of coffee on his break? Is there anyone else who makes him smile the same way, and for the same reason as I do?

How does one know when to trust your heart to someone else’s hands? When things seems to be going great and you receive affectionate messages from him every hour of the day, there could still be someone else on hold and waiting for their daily message. Even when he holds you so tight you can barely breathe, he could still be casual about the whole relationship and keep his options open. Where does the line of over daring and risk worth taking go?

Puzzled by these thoughts I took some distance to see where I was going. I didn’t respond to his text messages as affectionately as I usually did and turned down a few invitations he made. Finally, I had to confront him as the two of us had been invited to mutual friend’s leaving party in a local pub. At the party, he came straight to me and put his arm around me. As the venue was fairly small he whispered to my ear asking if everything was ok between us and I just replied yes. For the rest of the night I tried my best to keep him at a reasonable distance away and eventually managed to escape out for a cigarette.

As I was inhaling my calming delight a very drunken guy came over and started to talk to me. I wasn’t too interested in getting into a conversation with him but he was persistent, and annoyed by my coolness proceeded to put his arm around my shoulder. As I was about to tell him where to stick his hand, I heard Special’s voice asking the guy to take his hands off his girlfriend.

After the guy had left, he came over asking if I was ok and if we could talk. He told me he had noticed that I had been acting strange and distant for the past few days. I don’t know if it was the salty wind, my imagination or something else but as he asked me if I was sick of him, his eyes turned just slightly wet.

On that moment I decided that the line had been crossed and the risk was worth taking. As I brushed my hands against his cheeks and told him of course I wasn’t, I knew it was the right thing to do.

Later on that night while were lying down on his bed, he kissed my neck and as if he had finally realised what I needed to hear he said: “I can’t think of anything or anyone else but you all the time baby.”

Progress

After the Christmas holidays back in the home land I returned to a completely different guy. Well not really, Special was still the same sensible, caring and articulate person I said see you soon a few weeks before but absence had definitely done its trick. After the first night which was obviously fairly affectionate, Special kept ringing and texting me all the time.

Last night was the icing on the cake. Special had to meet some people but against my doubts he returned home fairly early and couldn't keep his hands of me. It was so unreal I even asked him what was up with all the attention and as he often does, he gave me an odd glance and told me he is just delighted to have me next to him. Later he nearly freaked me out by saying how happy he was with me and how he wants to stay here holding me forever.

I still haven't said the L-word. It nearly came out of my mouth last night when he kept feeding me with the words I had been longing to hear for so long. But...I know it's not the right time. Eventhough he's getting keener and keener, it will still be too much.

Tonight he asked me to come over to his house. He said he misses me already eventhough we only parted in the morning. I found myself holding back (for once!!) and telling him I was too busy with work. That was an awful lie and I regretted it straight away but I guess there's still a tiny bit of dignity left in me.

Meanwhile, I met Shaman and his girlfriend out and about. The two of them seemed to be in great form which made me very happy. Things are finally showing their brighter sides to one of the most important persons in my life. It still unfortunate that the friendship we had is never going to be the same.

I also met X. We had a massive argument about false promises (heh, some things never change) and he refused to take the blame as usual. In the end I managed to calm myself down and tell him it didn't matter and walked away. It's all sorted now but I was again reminded why me and him chose to walk different paths.