Mixed feelings

After a week of silence (a text here and there) I met Special as we were heading to a house party. He was his usual self: listening to my silly ramble, smiling and keeping his mouth shut. His behaviour always makes me feel as if I was a stupid little girl and I keep talking and talking to fill the space of uncertainty.

He held my hand as we walked towards the house but there was something that wasn't right. I started the never-ending worrying about his true feelings. He was so close yet so far away.

We had a great time and ended up going to a night club afterwards. Against his usual habits, he got very drunk and as you do, became slightly more affectionate. He told me he was trying to play it cool not to come across as too pushy. He told me he missed me. He asked me to live with him again. I said no.

What was different, he actually started to talk about the things that worry him. I was amazed for a moment until the conversation turned into something else again. I can't even remember what it was about, but basically he was going on about how good he is at this and that. I don't know why but that really put me off. Where was that kind, modest and sweet guy who I got to know and like?

He fell asleep but I was up long after that. Is this really what I want? Am I putting myself down because of him? Was last night just drunk talk or is this what I'm up against? Will I ever see him awake like this worrying about my feelings towards him or am I purely a straight-forward, insignificant thing he sees every so often?

The next morning he was back to his kind but cool self. I texted him later on and haven't heard from him since. I've decided to leave it and let him do his own thing. I'm still not ready to trust my heart into his hands.