Secret Special feelings

Special inspired me to this

So much I want to show
Lie with you in the snow
Whisper those sweet lyrics
and step out
from the path of uncertainty

Your shy poems unheard
holding back is absurd
When you see me smiling
painting blue
those dark walls of sorrow

I know it's still morning
i should have given you a warning
But spring came sudden
surprising
and took away the black thoughts

To see, to feel, to taste
those cherry lips to chase
No longer can I hide
desire
banished my sad sanity

Don't like me for nothing
love for a reason
Millions of false roads
I've misread so many codes
Say it's not the same
till that it has no name

Never the same

I wrote this awful piece of writing after I discovered what X had been up to behind my back. Feel free to boo.

Pretending I don't care I say
Please come back, please stay
The smile in your eyes
The relief in disguise
You pull me closer to your arms
I sigh and hold you tight
Knowing it's not right

Broken like a glass angel
I walk these streets
no sun in my eyes
thinking of those lies
that broken sky
still makes me cry

Questions go round and round
start the rollercoaster underground
that creeps into my flesh and bones
reminding me of that hole
you burned into my soul
So true I was to you
I know now, was such a fool

Special

I met Special in the weirdest circumstances ever. I was out in the pub with The Shaman trying to drown my sorrow into a pint of beer. The relationship that was everything to me had just ended and I felt I was lost and lonely.

The Shaman had forced me to come out for a few drinks and tried his best to make me smile even a bit. Towards the end of the night he managed to take my thoughts away from it and I managed to stay pretty content for the rest of the night. That's when Special walked in.

I didn't pay much attention to him at all. I was introduced to him and later had a quick chat with him outside but apart from that, my head was filled with completely different set of thoughts. Special left and Shaman brought me to his house in an attempt to get me to let it all out.

About a week later I bumped into a few songs Special had written. I sent him a short message to say I was impressed which he replied very quickly. A few more messages were shared but I didn't think too much about it at that stage.

Another week goes by and I bump into Special while out on my own to catch my favorite local band's gig. We start to talk and eventually miss the whole set. For the first time in weeks I smile and laugh.

After the gig was finished, Special invited me over to his house for a bit of music and drink. I ended up falling asleep on his couch wrapped around him. This happened again a few more times in the coming weeks and eventually Special kissed me.

That was about a month and a half ago and since that we have been an item of some sort. We meet whenever we are both free and have great time together. Nothing serious.

This is the story I share with my friends. It's not the whole truth.

I have told Special that I don't want to rush with all this. I've told him I need some time. In reality I'm so head over heels about him that I nearly have to handcuff myself so I wouldn't ring or text him all the time. I can't stop thinking about him.

What holds me back are his reactions. Special is very private. Unlike X, he hasn't really revealed his thoughts about me. He has told me that he likes me and thinks I'm pretty and that he likes to spend time with me but there're no 'I love the way you look when you're asleep' type of tiny little hints of him getting more attached to me. I pretend that it doesn't bother me.

I've reasoned all this to myself. He's scared too, he doesn't want to get too attached either, especially after what I told him about not wanting to rush. It would be simple as that if he wasn't so damn....cool with himself. For the first time in my life, the person who I'm with is not going through same sort of uncertain feelings of themselves as I am.

My brain is proding me to keep it cool, wait and see. My heart is screaming to share every single emotion with him and tell him how much I admire him and how happy he makes me. The former has, at least for now, been in control of the situation.

Introduction to the symphony

Hello there,

I'm Small. I'd love to shake your hand but that would reveal my identity I'm hoping to keep anonymous. I'd love to meet you for coffee or walk but then you would just become one of the many I take distance from.

I can however share some general details. I left my home land, Finland, a few years ago to live my life somewhere nicer. I'm twenty-something girl who's going through the twenty-somethingth identity crisis.

Too proud to cry, too shy to reveal, too cautious to trust. Here's where the real thoughts come out to play. Fruits of my work which I'm too scared to show to anyone in real life. Emotions I'm too scared to share and despair that would get me sent to a mental hospital.

Comments are welcome and appreciated in both English and Finnish.

It's a leo thing

Conversations:

Small: I was at Special's house last night and he was talking about this song he's been working on. I said it'd be cool to hear it some time, thinking that he'll probably show it to me when it's finished like he did with some of the other songs. But he went up to the studio and played the very unfinished song no problem, all confident.

X: That's some confidence alright!

Small: He wasn't cocky about it at all. Just he was cool with what he was doing and didn't mind anyone hearing it.

X: Well that's good I suppose.

Small: It makes me think how unfinished I am. I dread showing even the finished stuff to anyone, let alone him. I have a drawer full of lyrics and poems and I wouldn't even dream of letting him read them.

X: It's a leo thing. You're too proud to face possible criticism.

Small: You might be right.

And so begins A Small Secret Blog. For all those things I'm too scared to share. Those poems and songs, those feelings and thoughts. That uncertainty and passion which are kept aside. Anonymously of course.