A small secret blog

Right words, wrong persons

2008-03-10T13:52:00.000-07:00

Weeks went by. Me and Special got closer and spend ridiculous amounts of time together. He’d cook dinner for me, book a surprise getaway and after weeks of my hesitation brought me over to see his mother and father.

Things were going well and one night in a drunken slur he got affectionate. The words he said were like honey to my ears and for a split second I thought he was going to say the L-word. I was glowing for days after that night.

What often happened with Special happened again. After being closer than ever, he pulled back a bit and avoided any emotional revelations. This time it was worse.

One night while I was running my fingers through his hair he asked me why I was smiling. I told him it was because I was with him and that he made me so happy. What happened next was bizarre. He said nothing and turned his back against me. I didn’t sleep that night.

Meanwhile a good friend of mine, a guy, was going through a rough time. His business was going through some changes, his mother passed away and his father was not doing well. One night after too many drinks in a local bar, he said he loved me. I laughed and completely ignored the whole thing.

The words didn’t leave me in peace. For night after night I kept hitting my head to the wall thinking why it was always the wrong people who got affectionate towards me. Why is it him but not Special?

In serious need of a break I decided to head out to a different venue. I was having a good time when I came across my very intoxicated ex-boss. We had a great chat and got even more drunk together. In the end of the night he came on to me. Same words came out again. I laughed and left.

That night I cried on my bed. Not just because of the words I never heard from Special’s mouth but because of all those lonely people, just looking for a bit of compassion from the wrong people.

Mixed feelings

2008-01-21T11:33:00.000-08:00

After a week of silence (a text here and there) I met Special as we were heading to a house party. He was his usual self: listening to my silly ramble, smiling and keeping his mouth shut. His behaviour always makes me feel as if I was a stupid little girl and I keep talking and talking to fill the space of uncertainty.

He held my hand as we walked towards the house but there was something that wasn't right. I started the never-ending worrying about his true feelings. He was so close yet so far away.

We had a great time and ended up going to a night club afterwards. Against his usual habits, he got very drunk and as you do, became slightly more affectionate. He told me he was trying to play it cool not to come across as too pushy. He told me he missed me. He asked me to live with him again. I said no.

What was different, he actually started to talk about the things that worry him. I was amazed for a moment until the conversation turned into something else again. I can't even remember what it was about, but basically he was going on about how good he is at this and that. I don't know why but that really put me off. Where was that kind, modest and sweet guy who I got to know and like?

He fell asleep but I was up long after that. Is this really what I want? Am I putting myself down because of him? Was last night just drunk talk or is this what I'm up against? Will I ever see him awake like this worrying about my feelings towards him or am I purely a straight-forward, insignificant thing he sees every so often?

The next morning he was back to his kind but cool self. I texted him later on and haven't heard from him since. I've decided to leave it and let him do his own thing. I'm still not ready to trust my heart into his hands.

Trusting the foolish heart

2008-01-12T15:42:00.000-08:00

I had a big chat with X a few nights back. He was telling me about his new girlfriend and asking me how things were with me and Special. In the middle of laughing about the funny little things that these two persons do to make us smile he confronted me with a serious question: Is Special as keen on me as I am on him?

After thinking and giving him the wrong answer (“I guess so”) I eventually said yes, he is, just to get out of the situation that would haunt me for the rest of the week. Is he really that interested in me? Am I the only one he thinks when he sits down for a cup of coffee on his break? Is there anyone else who makes him smile the same way, and for the same reason as I do?

How does one know when to trust your heart to someone else’s hands? When things seems to be going great and you receive affectionate messages from him every hour of the day, there could still be someone else on hold and waiting for their daily message. Even when he holds you so tight you can barely breathe, he could still be casual about the whole relationship and keep his options open. Where does the line of over daring and risk worth taking go?

Puzzled by these thoughts I took some distance to see where I was going. I didn’t respond to his text messages as affectionately as I usually did and turned down a few invitations he made. Finally, I had to confront him as the two of us had been invited to mutual friend’s leaving party in a local pub. At the party, he came straight to me and put his arm around me. As the venue was fairly small he whispered to my ear asking if everything was ok between us and I just replied yes. For the rest of the night I tried my best to keep him at a reasonable distance away and eventually managed to escape out for a cigarette.

As I was inhaling my calming delight a very drunken guy came over and started to talk to me. I wasn’t too interested in getting into a conversation with him but he was persistent, and annoyed by my coolness proceeded to put his arm around my shoulder. As I was about to tell him where to stick his hand, I heard Special’s voice asking the guy to take his hands off his girlfriend.

After the guy had left, he came over asking if I was ok and if we could talk. He told me he had noticed that I had been acting strange and distant for the past few days. I don’t know if it was the salty wind, my imagination or something else but as he asked me if I was sick of him, his eyes turned just slightly wet.

On that moment I decided that the line had been crossed and the risk was worth taking. As I brushed my hands against his cheeks and told him of course I wasn’t, I knew it was the right thing to do.

Later on that night while were lying down on his bed, he kissed my neck and as if he had finally realised what I needed to hear he said: “I can’t think of anything or anyone else but you all the time baby.”

Progress

2008-01-08T16:15:00.000-08:00

After the Christmas holidays back in the home land I returned to a completely different guy. Well not really, Special was still the same sensible, caring and articulate person I said see you soon a few weeks before but absence had definitely done its trick. After the first night which was obviously fairly affectionate, Special kept ringing and texting me all the time.

Last night was the icing on the cake. Special had to meet some people but against my doubts he returned home fairly early and couldn't keep his hands of me. It was so unreal I even asked him what was up with all the attention and as he often does, he gave me an odd glance and told me he is just delighted to have me next to him. Later he nearly freaked me out by saying how happy he was with me and how he wants to stay here holding me forever.

I still haven't said the L-word. It nearly came out of my mouth last night when he kept feeding me with the words I had been longing to hear for so long. But...I know it's not the right time. Eventhough he's getting keener and keener, it will still be too much.

Tonight he asked me to come over to his house. He said he misses me already eventhough we only parted in the morning. I found myself holding back (for once!!) and telling him I was too busy with work. That was an awful lie and I regretted it straight away but I guess there's still a tiny bit of dignity left in me.

Meanwhile, I met Shaman and his girlfriend out and about. The two of them seemed to be in great form which made me very happy. Things are finally showing their brighter sides to one of the most important persons in my life. It still unfortunate that the friendship we had is never going to be the same.

I also met X. We had a massive argument about false promises (heh, some things never change) and he refused to take the blame as usual. In the end I managed to calm myself down and tell him it didn't matter and walked away. It's all sorted now but I was again reminded why me and him chose to walk different paths.

This is the last goodbye

2007-12-07T06:52:00.000-08:00

Went out with Shaman last night. Things between us have been a bit odd after the confession but everything seems to be back on track now. Last night was supposed to be the bye for now night until after New Year when I’ll come back home. Little did I know how different the goodbye would actually be.

Shaman has a girlfriend. He’s been with her as long as I’ve known him but there have been various problems among the two of them. I don’t know her that well (only met her once) but to me it seems she’s not too sure what she wants to do in life and whether Shaman is the man of her life. She left the country about half a year ago and they broke up for a while but last night I learned that she will return with him after Christmas and later on next year they will go back home for good.

This will obviously change everything between us two. We have been the closest friends ever for the last few months. So close that half of his friends think there’s something going on. So close that I’ve slept on the same bed with him loads of times and cried on his arms when life’s been kicking me in the head and vice versa of course.

The girlfriend is a bit of a jealous type. So last night I finally had to say it loud. Many things will change the next time I see him. We can never go for a late night swim, just the two of us. No longer can we meet at 4 o’clock in the morning just to catch the sun rising.

I think Shaman only realised how different it will be when I said it. It made us both very sad. So in the end of the night, never minding all the curious looks, we danced the last song together and gave each other one last hug before we parted, in a sense for good.

I will miss him so bad. He’s been there when everyone else has turned their backs on me. He’s made me laugh when I thought there was nothing to be happy about. He was there on those lonely Thursday nights without me even asking him. He means the world to me. I love him, full stop.

I hope he’ll finally achieve the peace inside of him that he has so vigorously been looking for. I hope the girlfriend will finally have her mind made up and that she’ll make him the happiest man on Earth again. He deserves every bit of happiness and joy there is.

What most, I hope that wherever we are, whoever we are with and whatever the situation is, we’ll never lose contact with each other. This has to last forever.

Just a little girl hungry for love

2007-12-03T07:36:00.000-08:00

I miss you

I tried to play it cool last night. Special rang me last night and asked if I was still awake. Well when do I ever sleep these days, I thought but gave him a bit less detailed answer. He told me he was very tired but couldn't sleep. He wanted me there. I decided he would have to convince me in some way or I wouldn't go. Give even a tiny hint of affection. I must have come across a bit moody cause he didn't try too hard. After the phone call I was set to bury the whole relationship.

Wish your arms were around me now

An hour later I got a text. After only few words I found myself knocking on his door. Again I'd given in. How stupid can I be? Why can't I play it cool? I'm not 15 anymore, I should have learned not to be so bloody full on already. But how can I when I could spend my whole night just looking at him sleeping. When the sun starts to rise and I'm still running my hands through his hair.

Promise you won't run away...

I finally fell asleep and had a weird soldier type of dream. I couldn't find my ammo and I got shot. Suddenly I was in the hospital and Special was there. I finally got the courage to say what I had wanted to say for ages.

...but I love you

I woke up and for a minute I thought I had actualy said it to him. It was so real I got up in panic and started to get dressed. When I finally realised what was going on I was in such hysterics that there was no way I was going to stay there. He would have seen straight through me. So I looked at him one more time and left.

2007-12-01T10:50:00.000-08:00

I've been writing a lot. Lots of emotional stuff about life and love, inspired by a film I watched a few days ago. I suppose that's what a person does when they are depressively madly in love.

It's been pretty tough emotionally and sometimes I feel like I'm stupid to stay here and go through it all as it'll most likely end in a horrible mess. I'll probably end up rushing it all and he'll probably get scared and run away. Maybe he doesn't feel anything like I'm feeling. Maybe he turns out to be a complete wanker. Maybe he turns out to be the sweetest person ever and I'll ruin it all.

Meanwhile I've somehow got myself into a situation that has the ingredients of becoming a big mess. One alcohol-filled night Shaman, the drunker one, confessed his love to me and tried to kiss me. He has since said it was the alcohol but more than one friend has told me things that make me think differently. He keeps avoiding me when I'm out with Special, lies and makes up excuses so he wouldn't have to spend time around the two of us.

I feel like shit about it all. I keep thinking maybe I unintentionally gave him false hope in some way. Why does it have to be all the wrong people who fall in love (or think they have) with me? Why can't I have Special coming up to me like that instead? It would be scary but at least I'd be sure of his feelings towards me. Now I'm just left to go crazy of uncertainty.

Secret Special feelings

2007-11-29T12:01:00.000-08:00

Special inspired me to this

So much I want to show
Lie with you in the snow
Whisper those sweet lyrics
and step out
from the path of uncertainty

Your shy poems unheard
holding back is absurd
When you see me smiling
painting blue
those dark walls of sorrow

I know it's still morning
i should have given you a warning
But spring came sudden
surprising
and took away the black thoughts

To see, to feel, to taste
those cherry lips to chase
No longer can I hide
desire
banished my sad sanity

Don't like me for nothing
love for a reason
Millions of false roads
I've misread so many codes
Say it's not the same
till that it has no name

Never the same

2007-11-28T11:49:00.000-08:00

I wrote this awful piece of writing after I discovered what X had been up to behind my back. Feel free to boo.

Pretending I don't care I say
Please come back, please stay
The smile in your eyes
The relief in disguise
You pull me closer to your arms
I sigh and hold you tight
Knowing it's not right

Broken like a glass angel
I walk these streets
no sun in my eyes
thinking of those lies
that broken sky
still makes me cry

Questions go round and round
start the rollercoaster underground
that creeps into my flesh and bones
reminding me of that hole
you burned into my soul
So true I was to you
I know now, was such a fool

Special

2007-11-27T11:21:00.000-08:00

I met Special in the weirdest circumstances ever. I was out in the pub with The Shaman trying to drown my sorrow into a pint of beer. The relationship that was everything to me had just ended and I felt I was lost and lonely.

The Shaman had forced me to come out for a few drinks and tried his best to make me smile even a bit. Towards the end of the night he managed to take my thoughts away from it and I managed to stay pretty content for the rest of the night. That's when Special walked in.

I didn't pay much attention to him at all. I was introduced to him and later had a quick chat with him outside but apart from that, my head was filled with completely different set of thoughts. Special left and Shaman brought me to his house in an attempt to get me to let it all out.

About a week later I bumped into a few songs Special had written. I sent him a short message to say I was impressed which he replied very quickly. A few more messages were shared but I didn't think too much about it at that stage.

Another week goes by and I bump into Special while out on my own to catch my favorite local band's gig. We start to talk and eventually miss the whole set. For the first time in weeks I smile and laugh.

After the gig was finished, Special invited me over to his house for a bit of music and drink. I ended up falling asleep on his couch wrapped around him. This happened again a few more times in the coming weeks and eventually Special kissed me.

That was about a month and a half ago and since that we have been an item of some sort. We meet whenever we are both free and have great time together. Nothing serious.

This is the story I share with my friends. It's not the whole truth.

I have told Special that I don't want to rush with all this. I've told him I need some time. In reality I'm so head over heels about him that I nearly have to handcuff myself so I wouldn't ring or text him all the time. I can't stop thinking about him.

What holds me back are his reactions. Special is very private. Unlike X, he hasn't really revealed his thoughts about me. He has told me that he likes me and thinks I'm pretty and that he likes to spend time with me but there're no 'I love the way you look when you're asleep' type of tiny little hints of him getting more attached to me. I pretend that it doesn't bother me.

I've reasoned all this to myself. He's scared too, he doesn't want to get too attached either, especially after what I told him about not wanting to rush. It would be simple as that if he wasn't so damn....cool with himself. For the first time in my life, the person who I'm with is not going through same sort of uncertain feelings of themselves as I am.

My brain is proding me to keep it cool, wait and see. My heart is screaming to share every single emotion with him and tell him how much I admire him and how happy he makes me. The former has, at least for now, been in control of the situation.

Introduction to the symphony

2007-11-26T11:10:00.000-08:00

Hello there,

I'm Small. I'd love to shake your hand but that would reveal my identity I'm hoping to keep anonymous. I'd love to meet you for coffee or walk but then you would just become one of the many I take distance from.

I can however share some general details. I left my home land, Finland, a few years ago to live my life somewhere nicer. I'm twenty-something girl who's going through the twenty-somethingth identity crisis.

Too proud to cry, too shy to reveal, too cautious to trust. Here's where the real thoughts come out to play. Fruits of my work which I'm too scared to show to anyone in real life. Emotions I'm too scared to share and despair that would get me sent to a mental hospital.

Comments are welcome and appreciated in both English and Finnish.

It's a leo thing

2007-11-25T10:46:00.000-08:00

Conversations:

Small: I was at Special's house last night and he was talking about this song he's been working on. I said it'd be cool to hear it some time, thinking that he'll probably show it to me when it's finished like he did with some of the other songs. But he went up to the studio and played the very unfinished song no problem, all confident.

X: That's some confidence alright!

Small: He wasn't cocky about it at all. Just he was cool with what he was doing and didn't mind anyone hearing it.

X: Well that's good I suppose.

Small: It makes me think how unfinished I am. I dread showing even the finished stuff to anyone, let alone him. I have a drawer full of lyrics and poems and I wouldn't even dream of letting him read them.

X: It's a leo thing. You're too proud to face possible criticism.

Small: You might be right.

And so begins A Small Secret Blog. For all those things I'm too scared to share. Those poems and songs, those feelings and thoughts. That uncertainty and passion which are kept aside. Anonymously of course.