This is the last goodbye

Went out with Shaman last night. Things between us have been a bit odd after the confession but everything seems to be back on track now. Last night was supposed to be the bye for now night until after New Year when I’ll come back home. Little did I know how different the goodbye would actually be.

Shaman has a girlfriend. He’s been with her as long as I’ve known him but there have been various problems among the two of them. I don’t know her that well (only met her once) but to me it seems she’s not too sure what she wants to do in life and whether Shaman is the man of her life. She left the country about half a year ago and they broke up for a while but last night I learned that she will return with him after Christmas and later on next year they will go back home for good.

This will obviously change everything between us two. We have been the closest friends ever for the last few months. So close that half of his friends think there’s something going on. So close that I’ve slept on the same bed with him loads of times and cried on his arms when life’s been kicking me in the head and vice versa of course.

The girlfriend is a bit of a jealous type. So last night I finally had to say it loud. Many things will change the next time I see him. We can never go for a late night swim, just the two of us. No longer can we meet at 4 o’clock in the morning just to catch the sun rising.

I think Shaman only realised how different it will be when I said it. It made us both very sad. So in the end of the night, never minding all the curious looks, we danced the last song together and gave each other one last hug before we parted, in a sense for good.

I will miss him so bad. He’s been there when everyone else has turned their backs on me. He’s made me laugh when I thought there was nothing to be happy about. He was there on those lonely Thursday nights without me even asking him. He means the world to me. I love him, full stop.

I hope he’ll finally achieve the peace inside of him that he has so vigorously been looking for. I hope the girlfriend will finally have her mind made up and that she’ll make him the happiest man on Earth again. He deserves every bit of happiness and joy there is.

What most, I hope that wherever we are, whoever we are with and whatever the situation is, we’ll never lose contact with each other. This has to last forever.

Just a little girl hungry for love

I miss you

I tried to play it cool last night. Special rang me last night and asked if I was still awake. Well when do I ever sleep these days, I thought but gave him a bit less detailed answer. He told me he was very tired but couldn't sleep. He wanted me there. I decided he would have to convince me in some way or I wouldn't go. Give even a tiny hint of affection. I must have come across a bit moody cause he didn't try too hard. After the phone call I was set to bury the whole relationship.

Wish your arms were around me now

An hour later I got a text. After only few words I found myself knocking on his door. Again I'd given in. How stupid can I be? Why can't I play it cool? I'm not 15 anymore, I should have learned not to be so bloody full on already. But how can I when I could spend my whole night just looking at him sleeping. When the sun starts to rise and I'm still running my hands through his hair.

Promise you won't run away...

I finally fell asleep and had a weird soldier type of dream. I couldn't find my ammo and I got shot. Suddenly I was in the hospital and Special was there. I finally got the courage to say what I had wanted to say for ages.

...but I love you

I woke up and for a minute I thought I had actualy said it to him. It was so real I got up in panic and started to get dressed. When I finally realised what was going on I was in such hysterics that there was no way I was going to stay there. He would have seen straight through me. So I looked at him one more time and left.

I've been writing a lot. Lots of emotional stuff about life and love, inspired by a film I watched a few days ago. I suppose that's what a person does when they are depressively madly in love.

It's been pretty tough emotionally and sometimes I feel like I'm stupid to stay here and go through it all as it'll most likely end in a horrible mess. I'll probably end up rushing it all and he'll probably get scared and run away. Maybe he doesn't feel anything like I'm feeling. Maybe he turns out to be a complete wanker. Maybe he turns out to be the sweetest person ever and I'll ruin it all.

Meanwhile I've somehow got myself into a situation that has the ingredients of becoming a big mess. One alcohol-filled night Shaman, the drunker one, confessed his love to me and tried to kiss me. He has since said it was the alcohol but more than one friend has told me things that make me think differently. He keeps avoiding me when I'm out with Special, lies and makes up excuses so he wouldn't have to spend time around the two of us.

I feel like shit about it all. I keep thinking maybe I unintentionally gave him false hope in some way. Why does it have to be all the wrong people who fall in love (or think they have) with me? Why can't I have Special coming up to me like that instead? It would be scary but at least I'd be sure of his feelings towards me. Now I'm just left to go crazy of uncertainty.