I've been writing a lot. Lots of emotional stuff about life and love, inspired by a film I watched a few days ago. I suppose that's what a person does when they are depressively madly in love.

It's been pretty tough emotionally and sometimes I feel like I'm stupid to stay here and go through it all as it'll most likely end in a horrible mess. I'll probably end up rushing it all and he'll probably get scared and run away. Maybe he doesn't feel anything like I'm feeling. Maybe he turns out to be a complete wanker. Maybe he turns out to be the sweetest person ever and I'll ruin it all.

Meanwhile I've somehow got myself into a situation that has the ingredients of becoming a big mess. One alcohol-filled night Shaman, the drunker one, confessed his love to me and tried to kiss me. He has since said it was the alcohol but more than one friend has told me things that make me think differently. He keeps avoiding me when I'm out with Special, lies and makes up excuses so he wouldn't have to spend time around the two of us.

I feel like shit about it all. I keep thinking maybe I unintentionally gave him false hope in some way. Why does it have to be all the wrong people who fall in love (or think they have) with me? Why can't I have Special coming up to me like that instead? It would be scary but at least I'd be sure of his feelings towards me. Now I'm just left to go crazy of uncertainty.